It's a strange feeling, to know you're ethical, righteous, and honest... and be stuck in a hampster wheel of lies, abuse, and crazy making of a narcissist. A lost cause. fighting just to defend the real reality, not the false narrative of his outrageous lies.
It's not regular bad news, or a few unkind words that set it off. What flips that switch is something incredibly vindictive, hurtful ripping the scabs off my trauma and letting the blood of the old wound dribble down a limb. The hurt bubbles deep below layers of thick tissue and viscus fluids. It lurks, … Continue reading Pressing Through
I have lost my faith again. Again, my faith has been ripped from my raw, open, vulnerable beating heart.
Chasing the things that make me feel those familiar feeling tones sugary cider donuts in New England clogging up my throat as I stuff my bad feelings down into my bloated belly full of pumpkin spiced feelings and broken nostalgia.
Crickets chirping, a melodious sound, coming from the thicket of autumnal wildflowers and trees bursting out in yellow and orange leaves. I sit, at my appointed seat, where I think, where I write, where I contemplate, and think of what may be next. Candles lit, orange glow, soft light envelops me, healing call, after a … Continue reading Chirps
I begin, remembering. The feelings look around corners, worried if they are safe to come out. They are like small children, afraid their abuser will yell loudly when they are seen. Vulnerable. The retreating from social existence increases, as I don't want to see images. The people who weren't there, screaming how we should never forget, but they have no clue what they are remembering.
Fuck, I did not sleep well last night, turning in my head flipping in my brain playing out scenarios of nothing that I can control as the thoughts became fake realities thrusting themselves at one and other like punk rock dancers in a moshpit fuck, FUCK!
So many shades of green, they creep, evolve, stick and grow. Leaves of so many sizes and shapes. Large birds above, I stop and watch them above the trees flying free above the ocean of green leaves and brown towering trees that have been here for hundreds of years. This forest is older than all … Continue reading Green Waves of Moss
Flickering in the twilight, Burning fires, blessing each of us with warmth, on this chilly, overcast summer night. A fire at the beach, what and incredible gift
Almost August, but not stressing the summer’s end because I have been living in the now. I stopped caring about caring about caring. I just am. I don’t want to make anymore plans, or feel obligated to anything or anyone because it’s exhausting, and I need a break. People expect a lot from me, and … Continue reading Unhindered